I had this realization recently.
I’m terrified of being mediocre.
How that plays out in my life is that I don’t shoot for the moon, I don’t go big or go home, I’m not balls to the wall. None of that. I just slink back, try to disappear and be “less” so that at least I didn’t try and then turn out to just be mediocre at something. Apparently my subconscious would rather do NOTHING than be mediocre.
There are plenty of problems with this line of thinking, but the one that stands out to me the most is the fear. Did you know that fear is the opposite of love? It’s not hate or even indifference, because hate is a *response* to fear, and indifference really is neutral. You can be indifferent and not have any emotion either positive or negative. But fear? Fear is the catalyst to everything negative or toxic or evil out there.
So if my whole goal right now is to…ahem… find myself (I say that knowing how obnoxious it sounds. But hey it’s true, so just bear with me), I cannot possibly find myself — or my truth, or my healing or my dreams or my creativity — if I’m coming from a place of fear. There’s just no good that comes from fear. And also? Fear doesn’t come from God. It comes from the opposite.
I’m convinced that fear is the ultimate illusion in life. God says he is love, and he casts out all fear, right? So any time I’m afraid, I remind myself that it isn’t *actually* real, I’m just being tempted to turn my thoughts away from love. My fear will only be as real as I allow it to be.
My fear is just an illusion that I’ve constructed based on past experiences, that I’m projecting on my right now. So instead, if I let love in, I can then surrender the fear and it goes away. This is huge if you are like me and have had anxiety disorders or depression in the past (it’s another tool for your toolbox in coping with life, in the battle against fear).
I tried the surrender thing and guess what? It actually worked. And at first the surrender didn’t last all that long. But I’ve started making it a practice and it’s lasting longer and longer in my heart — and friend, I’m not just talking about the cliche “surrender it all and you’ll be fine” type of thing. I’m talking about legit telling God you don’t want to be afraid any more. Saying “take this, I put it on a plate and hand it to you, give me your plate instead, God“.
The practicing this way of intentional thought, well, it’s changed my life.
So in examining my fear of being mediocre, I know what tools I have to battle that fear. And honestly I think the only way past it (after surrender) is to just DO SOMETHING. To do the work. To make epic shit. All of that.
When I posted last week that I was going to make a monthly printable — and then I made the first one — that was me taking a step out past that fear. The printable might very well have been mediocre — but who cares? I did it, it was fun, it was enjoyable to me and it meant something to me. I don’t regret it!
I think the deeper meaning of my word of the year, Found, is not just that I’ll be “finding” things all year long. The finding myself — it’s actually already happened. I see her, she is right there. ::waves to skinny happy girl over there:: But I don’t know her just yet. We are getting to understand each other, and I’m getting better and better at letting HER speak, allowing her to tell her story.
And you know what? She isn’t afraid anymore.
Does fear of being mediocre resonate with you? I’d SO love to hear your thoughts on this.