I’m not above a serious guilting session with my boys. Last week we had a long, long, drawn out conversation on gratitude. We said things like “I can show you some people that don’t have a single toy and they still have a huge smile on their faces…” and devolved into how terrible entitlement looks on *their faces*. We talked about the living state of kids just like them who happened to be born in a different country, a different world almost. I pointed out that they were well fed, warm, clothed, had a bed to sleep in and were well loved, and it was as if that was the first time it had ever occurred to them that these things could be enough. Are enough.
We made some plans to start regularly serving the poor in our city. These are plans we’ve had on our To Do list forever and have yet to get committed and yet to get our acts together since moving here 6 months ago. I’m half looking forward to it and half appalled we haven’t been doing it already. I wonder what it will do to them, but it can only be good for them, right? The level of complaining around here lately is forcing us to take action.
And y’all? My kids do not have a ton of “stuff”. Not at all. They have plenty, and have more than many people in the world, but it’s not like they’re swimming in stuff. And yet, the lack of gratitude would imply that they have nothing to be grateful for. As if they are the most suffering children on the planet, when actually even those suffering children find joy – which stems from gratitude.
I get emotional when I see my boys being ungrateful, and I feel like my wild emotions about “you will not be this kind of man” get my head all foggy and before I know it I’m googling some kind of World Vision videos to show them. I’m contemplating family trips to Haiti and figuratively clawing my face off because I just split up another fight over their one hour of Wii time the three of them will split today. I want to cultivate their generous hearts now.
I take things away and it doesn’t get better, so I know it’s not about the “stuff” anyway, but about something bigger. That way that we all have this pre-programmed ungratefulness that we caught like the plague from a Creation virus. They need their Jesus antidote and I have it and hand it to them but they don’t always take it. I can’t make them take it.
They have these big huge hearts, they care deeply, they ARE very grateful — but they still forget. They forget what happened to them yesterday, hell, this morning, and they forget how good God is. I linger on these things a bit longer and then suddenly it’s all starting to sound really familiar. Oh hi, I do the same thing.
So I remember the grace I get in endless supply and I remind them that they are given it too (and I give them some mama grace, too, which we all need don’t we?). It’s all good again and they are happy and joyful and grateful again and I snap a mental pic so as to carry me through a few hours from now when this is all already fading again. But it’s ok. We are (all of us) working on it.
How do you teach your kids about gratitude?
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Oh yes to all of this, the clawing my face off, the “you will not be people like this,” the resolutions to go and see, and the realization that I do all of the same whining and complaining and ungrateful grumping. I’m glad to know that we’re in this together.
” They need their Jesus antidote and I have it and hand it to them but they don’t always take it. I can’t make them take it.” OOF. Oh, how I can relate to this! Like you, I get beside-myself crazy with the complaining and ingratitude. And like you, I really want to cultivate generosity in their hearts NOW. Thank you for reminding me of the importance of example and tons of perseverance.
I SO understand this post. This is something we struggle with constantly. Our children feel as if they deserve everything handed to them. I keep reminding myself it is a process. It is okay if my kids are ungrateful right now because it is not something that is taught overnight. We keep having the conversation, we keep reiterating how lucky they are, we give them opportunities to serve and see how truly lucky they are.
Remember, it is a process…and like all processes it can take a long time.
enjoyed reading this post! (and everybody’s comments!)
I have a friend who makes her kids donate the number of toys they get at birthday or Christmas from their own stash! She said as soon as the put together the pile of old toys, they get sad, but that it makes an impression. I always thought that was cool!
Plus it helps keep down clutter! Good idea!
I like that you point out that being ungrateful is not a direct result of having a lot of stuff. It’s not really about the stuff, it’s about the heart and the attitude. Well said.
“That way that we all have this pre-programmed ungratefulness that we caught like the plague from a Creation virus.” Yes. Amen. I was just asking God this morning… WHY DID YOU MAKE ME THIS WAY AND THEN JUST LEAVE ME TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO CURE MYSELF?
And then, bang, I pull up your post and read this:
“They need their Jesus antidote and I have it and hand it to them but they don’t always take it. I can’t make them take it.” OH, HAI message that I needed to hear myself. Talk about ungrateful!
Thank you, my dear Ari, for being a great and talented messenger. xo
Hi, Ari. I found you through Simple Mom (btw, enjoyed the podcast you two had). And leopard is totally a neutral :)
I think you can teach kids gratitude much the same way you can teach them empathy. It’s a process, learning to be grateful for what we have. It doesn’t come easy, especially since we live in such an individualistic, consumer driven world. But the older we become and the more people we interact with, we’ll see more similarities than differences. When you see someone as a peer, you want them to have what you have, so you feel more inclined to give. It’s less of a duty, and more like a gift.
I love this. a lot. and I will be coming back to it time and again. We’ve talked about having Thanksgiving be a holiday our family focuses on yes- being thankful – but more so, the giving part. I’m just trying to think of how a family with a 18 month old can serve and give – but I don’t want to use that as an excuse not to find something.
love you.
I don’t even have children yet and I want to bang my own head against the wall sometimes because of my own feelings of selfishness and entitlement.
Very nice post about parenthood. Thank you for sharing…