It’s been a long time since I posted pics of my style and my outfits. At the end of my pregnancy last fall, I posted each week of the last trimester an outfit (and it was essentially a belly pic, too) and had SO MUCH FUN. But then the last time I posted an outfit was right after River was born and I didn’t feel the least bit cute (to put it mildly) and never could bring myself to post pics of myself anymore.
I’ve avoided outfit posts ever since – even though I love style and love talking about it.
The truth is I didn’t like my body, didn’t like how I looked, and didn’t feel like “me” at all.
I stopped looking for cute clothing for this body I am unhappy with, resolved that there are no cute styles for plus size curvy women, and pretty much let the size of my clothing shape my identity. It was a quiet prison, and I never talked about it to anyone.
But as I work through not being angry with my body for being sick, and have patience with healing, I’m shedding those feelings of shame and self-loathing. God is doing a work, because He made me new on the inside and now I feel He is fulfilling a promise to heal me on the outside too. I’m excited to step into new outfits and talk about fashion (because I loooove it) and I’m also looking forward to talking about body issues too (well maybe not *forward to it* so much as hopeful my story might help some of you too).
I don’t know how many of you have thyroid issues like I do, or if you have some other health issue going on or you just plain can’t make your body do what you want it to do, but I wonder how many of us with bodies that are bigger than we want choose to hide away. I feel amazingly beautiful when I’m pregnant, but as soon as the baby’s born I spiral back down into a self-loathing that is difficult to escape from. In my regular dreams, I’m my pre-child (and pre-broken thyroid) size, and then I wake up and look in the mirror and do a double take that this is what I look like. I’ve already come a long way, I finally believe my husband when he tells me I’m beautiful and that I’m sexy and desirable. But the work has only begun.
So these things I’m describing – the shame, the hiding, they aren’t my story any more. My story now is a healing and a renewal and a butterfly waiting to be born — still inside that cocoon working on changing. It’s a battle, physical and spiritual, but one I’m no longer going to shy away from. And since my sweet friend started a new Wednesday series to add to the lovely chorus of What I Wore Wednesday – I’m jumping back in.
It’s called Dress For The Day. And the goal is to dress for the day you want to have, not the day that’s trying to have you. Read Abby’s first post last week to get inspired and then go link up your outfits and your days you’re going to have. Today I’m having fun with clothes and getting things done. Let’s do this together, shall we?