As we’ve been unpacking I came across a favorite book that I’ve long misplaced. When I opened the book I found a photo I had placed inside at some point. The photo was of the moment we threw pink rose petals into the ocean at the end of Mabel’s funeral service at the beach in Charleston.
I love this photo, it feels ethereal to me, though looking at it I forgot that the birds were flying and that the sky was so blue that day.
Today is the 2 year mark of Mabel’s due date. And I miss her.
I’ve spent the past few days knowing today was coming and not sure how I felt. But today all it took was processing my feelings for a minute with some friends and the gates opened and the feelings I expected flowed out. This date the last two years brought to mind the wonderings of what she would be like, a little two year old.
I miss her.
I’ve written before about feeling her spirit so near us in the hours after she was stillborn. I sit here today and I long to feel her spirit again. It was so powerful, so real and pure. The way God held the three of us, Jacob, Mabel and I, in that moment, is still so mysterious and awesome.
Along with the photo tucked into the book was a handwritten note sent to me from a friend shortly after Mabel died. What I love about finding long lost notes is that sometimes they foreshadow life a bit. In this note Steph said:
“I do think you are in the throes of the makings of a beautiful story…imagine finding out how it all ends up unfolding.”
I couldn’t have ever known what was in store for me, the new creature I’d become and the new life I’d birth again. The way my marriage became healed and its best ever or the way my children would grow to love one sister while still missing another. The pain and gorgeousness is nearly indescribable, yet we’re asked to grieve it and live it and see it all as grace.
Thank you for remembering her with me. <3