A confession

by arianne

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Sometimes it’s the epitome of that feeling of being watched. You are not your own anymore.

You have that Not You inside you, literally there in a tangible way that if we just invented the right kind of scan they’d be able to locate it.
A soul scan.
The unseen aren’t nonexistent, just viewed with special eyes.

I can tend to that place in me, or abandon it like a garden and weeds grow over the Light.
It’s my choice.
Scraggly tough roots twist and spin and threaten to squeeze that place out of me.

There’s something about sleep deprivation and colic that entirely perplexes me. They make this life so wholly impossible feeling, all the *anything* gets snuffed out and put aside and – not tended to – that I find myself asking why sleep deprivation and colic were “invented” in the first place. Why not just make them not exist?  Why does God choose to make it so hard to keep up all relationships, including the one with Him? I ask God to help her feel better and she does and then I get angry when it only lasts an hour.  Or a day.

My expectations expose a deep sense of entitlement that bothers me worse than anything else. Why do I think I deserve anything?

I feel like I need to go to each and every one of you that ever thought I was a strong person and apologize. Sorry I fooled you! After all that I’ve been through I’m sitting here with weeds overgrown on my Light. I owe Jesus more letters and phone calls than all of you combined. My Trust in God has been fractured and I struggle to do the work it will take to repair it and yet sit fully aware of it all. And then I just decide I need a nap.

Like a broken bone it seems that Trust is the slowest to heal. I want instant healing. Impatience rears its ugly head again.

Our family has been through so much even just recently that I sometimes just stare off into space and wonder what to do.

Survival mode can be very lonely.


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