What I Wore (40wks)

by arianne

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For the first time I’m passing my baby’s due date with total peace.
I’m pretty sure I’ve always cried and tantrumed my way across due dates in the past.

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I think everyone but me is feeling that way, actually.

 

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I had this big breakdown on Sunday, epic epic crying.
I had been holding back,
thinking that being “done” would somehow make me ungrateful.

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I’ve been through too much to feel ungrateful.

But I came to the place where I had to experience the feelings of being over this.
Being ready to move on.
Being SO DONE.

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So I did. I got it out.
And the miracle?
I came away from the breakdown with such peace that

I feel no urgency right now to have this baby.

What I do feel?
Is Mabel’s memory hovering close.
Her younger brother or sister on the cusp of this world,
waiting to be introduced.

The baby who saved and the baby who healed.
They are so connected, it’s almost hard to bear it.
I wasn’t me before either of them.

Mabel broke me open, began rebuilding me.
This baby healed the holes,
shined light on the places and gifts and soul-self I didn’t know was deep in me.
Both showed me life.

God has so used each of these two babies to be my redemption story,
I can’t even put it into proper words.
I feel Spirit stirrings when I think about each of them.
I miss Mabel so much. I want to meet this baby so badly.
How many more days will go by where I don’t have either of them in my arms?
It’s such agonizing beauty I think a part of my heart wants to savor this in-between
just. a bit. longer.

I waited until today to take these pictures,
my belly seemingly grown double since last week.
Which tells me baby is growing JUST FINE, since his/her head is still obscenely low.

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It was raining on me as my 9 year old photog snapped these.
He starts shooting and doesn’t stop.
He takes one angle, one spot and just runs with it.
He tells me I’m beautiful.

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I thought about the rain, the washing, the newness.
How it’s finally technically fall (even though it’s still so hot here)
and maybe this baby wanted to be born in the fall?
Maybe even October?
Let’s not get crazy now.

***

striped tunic (maternity) : old navy
blue leggings : (non-maternity, riding low y’all) : old navy
wrap : thrifted long ago
grey boots : local shoe shop
cabachon black rose earrings : sapphira
chevron necklace (my new fav) : xoxii

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