Let Me Just Pour Out A Bit

by arianne

As labor nears I feel new and old familiar stirrings pushing their way to the surface.

Apparently they were there all along. Not handled, but set aside for later.

And yesterday after me saying just the right things and him replying with just the right things, the stirrings came pouring out like a volcano.

And oh they are so unwelcome. I want to live in a happy bubble where nothing traumatic ever happened to me. I sit in self pity and wonder how normal people think. I wonder why I feel ungrateful because I’m still working through being terrified. I don’t know how to let go.

I don’t read any other mom write or tell about this, so I wonder if it’s just me. It’s lonely here.

I tell God these things, He has collected so many jars of tears lately, He already knows.

I push into the God space with face held low and ask why.
I’m scared to even let all the hurt go and why?
I hear about His love and smile but immediately speculate that He is reminding me of this because of more pain to come.

I forgot what it was to be like to be loved, no strings attached.

I am more free than I’ve ever been, it took that freedom to know the real unconditional love and now I lay here with it in my lap and can’t accept it.

You whisper to me like a lover and I turn the other way because I think maybe You have plans to hurt again.

I imagine myself down the road regretting the now and wishing I had just let go.
Bad things might still happen.
My logic fights the other side of my brain and neither win.
I want connection not disconnect, I want to take it all in and I haven’t.
I’m so unprepared and I feel time racing towards me and I can’t process it all fast enough.

I forgot how to trust.

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