As labor nears I feel new and old familiar stirrings pushing their way to the surface.
Apparently they were there all along. Not handled, but set aside for later.
And yesterday after me saying just the right things and him replying with just the right things, the stirrings came pouring out like a volcano.
And oh they are so unwelcome. I want to live in a happy bubble where nothing traumatic ever happened to me. I sit in self pity and wonder how normal people think. I wonder why I feel ungrateful because I’m still working through being terrified. I don’t know how to let go.
I don’t read any other mom write or tell about this, so I wonder if it’s just me. It’s lonely here.
I tell God these things, He has collected so many jars of tears lately, He already knows.
I push into the God space with face held low and ask why.
I’m scared to even let all the hurt go and why?
I hear about His love and smile but immediately speculate that He is reminding me of this because of more pain to come.
I forgot what it was to be like to be loved, no strings attached.
I am more free than I’ve ever been, it took that freedom to know the real unconditional love and now I lay here with it in my lap and can’t accept it.
You whisper to me like a lover and I turn the other way because I think maybe You have plans to hurt again.
I imagine myself down the road regretting the now and wishing I had just let go.
Bad things might still happen.
My logic fights the other side of my brain and neither win.
I want connection not disconnect, I want to take it all in and I haven’t.
I’m so unprepared and I feel time racing towards me and I can’t process it all fast enough.
I forgot how to trust.
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
I struggle with this too…
http://whisperingsomething.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-other-pet-peeve.html
@Alexandra, yes that’s it exactly. And the weird thing is I’ve gone so much of this pregnancy NOT feeling this way. I relished in the trust and belief. And then as I am forced to face labor and prepare – that which was bubbling underneath secretly has found its way to the surface.
It’s a good thing, I think. I’m processing, able to pray through it instead of not even know it’s there…
I’m having a hard time with trust too.
I’ve seen many good things happen in my life since I lost my babies. Part of me knows, deep down, that God is making those good things happen and taking care of me. But the other part of me is still so angry because of how He chooses what to make better, what to leave alone, what to take away.
I often ask myself, and I guess God Himself, how I am supposed to trust Him again, after so much has happened? I trusted Him to get me through two pregnancies with healthy babies, and neither of them are here today. How do I trust Him with that in the future? But if I can’t trust Him, then who else do I trust?
Such a vicious little creature, this trust thing.
.-= Nika M.´s last blog ..Old Folks. =-.
@Nika M., I know. It starts small and with Jesus we build it – but we have to do the work. Each and every step takes the surrender of an army doesn’t it? <3
I have never lost any children, so I do not mean to assume anything. In Mark 9 there is the story of a man whose son was filled with demons. The man, in his frustration and fear, did not ask Jesus to “please heal my son!” He asked, “If you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.” And I think that’s the place where life sometimes leaves us. A place where we sincerely wonder if the most powerful entity in the entire universe can do something, anything to help us. Perhaps we think this because our problems, our hurts, our difficulties, seem so incredibly large that we cannot imagine what relief from them would feel like. But Jesus. He responds to the man; he responds to us all- a bit sarcastic, but full of grace. “What do you mean ‘If I can?’ Everything is possible to him who believes.” And the father, fully convicted and partically converted exclaims, “I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief!” And therein lies the rub. That even after we are fully assured of what Jesus can do, there are still traces of our unbelief. Traces that the Lord erases slowly as we watch His hand at work. Our unbelief, our inability to trust has to be confronted moment by moment, choice by choice. The father of this story did not fully trust, but that did not keep Jesus from working because all He needs is a little faith from us. Faith and time.
@Ash, on of my favorite stories and yes a constant prayer – help my unbelief!
There is this not often talked about trauma that happens when losing a child. A part of the brain gets literally injured – the emotional part (the limbic system). As God heals that part of me, especially now as I grow another baby, I see the struggle between my logic and my emotions. My logic knows full well the love of God and the way He created every single thing, including that jar to collect my tears. My emotional brain still licks wounds and struggles to let go of every day and is absolutely terrified to give birth. I’d be happy if it were many more months off. It’s processing these things now that is healing it all, knowing and seeing how God is healing. Which I’m so grateful for. <3
I know, darling. Love you and love that you wrestle and fight it out because it is worth it and He is worth it. Your comment on that post just made me want to cry because *yes*. Freedom can be terrifying but exhilarating. (By the way, did you ever read “He Loves Me!” by Wayne Jacobsen? I can’t remember if it was you that I was talking about that one with…?) xo And praying this afternoon, luv.
.-= Sarah@EmergingMummy´s last blog ..In which someone is 4 months old today =-.
@Sarah@EmergingMummy, I have not read that one! I must add it to my list.
I actually am so grateful for these random (and increasing – thank you soul-baby growing in me that has my same spirit) breakdowns because things are being forced out. Detoxing of the soul. Right now in this struggle it feels so difficult, but I know some time on my face on the floor and my honest words confessing how I’ve been feeling even when I didn’t know I was feeling it – will heal me onto the next epiphany/breakdown. It’s all good, and freedom is what sets us up to discover God more. It’s breathtaking, really. No strings!
This is beautiful. We all forget how to trust sometimes because when we didn’t forget, we were hurt. We are conditioned to be fearful. But recognizing your fear means everything and helps you learn how to trust in the healthy way. I think this is true with life situations, not just bringing a life into the world. Good luck!
-Rachel
You are NOT alone. I SO understand babe. Love you.
.-= Kim´s last blog ..To Utah, With Love… =-.
@Kim, I was hoping you’d chime in. You always make me feel better. <3
I am truly sorry for your pain… I have been there too. ((hugs))
@Jill, hugs to you too mama. And thank you <3
All I can say is yes. Yes to it all. You are not alone. I think of how the loss changes so very much of how I look at everything. I trust he is sovereign and his will is for good, but the lens of that changes when you have been through the suffering of losing a child. That at any moment these things I thought were amazing and right can turn to extreme pain and suffering is not a passing moment, but a life changer. I had no idea losing a little one I had yet to meet would change everything about my view on life. I take comfort that it has not changed the Lord, but the adjustment in me is so dramatic and I am still sorting out what that feels like.
.-= McKt´s last blog ..Some Mondays are Mondays =-.
@McKt, still sorting it out…yes yes yes. It’s amazing how long things take to process. Even once the grief has subsided a bit and you think you’re ok.
I see the new me and I know she is so strong, but she still has much to let go of. I feel like I watch her from the outside looking in sometimes.
{I don’t love speaking in third person, but it’s all I can do to describe this! :)}
Thanks for sharing your heart … you are definitely not alone :)
.-= Charissa Steyn´s last blog ..little feast of friendship =-.
Waiting here with you. I know this feeling. Oh do I ever know this feeling. Forgetting the trust – we only think we do, because we define trust into some perfectionistic ideal that means we don’t have questions anymore. But sometimes trust is bigger than we think, more than we understand, and it lets us open our hearts and dump out the questions we thought weren’t there and keep living without the answers, KNOWING that He knows them, knowing that even if He does allow us to get hurt again, He does it for His purpose.
And that – that’s the part that is hardest for me. That He could have a purpose that necessitates more pain. I trust Him enough that I wrestle with Him over that. I know I am powerless, and I know His heart for me is love, but how does love look like pain so often? Sometimes, the peace can only be found at the end of the wrestling; this is the blessing we who have been hurt would ask of the God with whom we wrestle, knowing what it is to be hurt, to be the unfavorite, to be the one left behind and alone, begging someone, anyone – God – to notice us please, and give us what He’s promised.
Normally, I get boy or girl for my pregnant friends, but for you, He’s given me “joy.” You are carrying joy. Now. In your body, in your heart, you are preparing to give birth to joy that is going to overflow. I can see it, Ari.
.-= Kelly Sauer´s last blog ..Wedding Weekend =-.
@Kelly Sauer, “we only think we do…” WHOA. YES.
Those words and you saying I’m birthing Joy gave me such (good) tears today. Deep deep truth, there.
But I have to add – I don’t think the suffering are the unfavorites. I think it’s just the opposite. <3
@Arianne, I was thinking of Jacob there, who grew up in Esau’s shadow where his father was concerned. Glad for good tears today. You are in my heart.
.-= Kelly Sauer´s last blog ..Wedding Weekend =-.
“I am more free than I’ve ever been, it took that freedom to know the real unconditional love and now I lay here with it in my lap and can’t accept it.”
Yes.yes.yes.
I want to accept it.
I try to grasp it in my hands and pull it in…
but it slips right through my fingers.
@Bridget, oh how it does! Thank you, friend. <3
There is this hole in my heart for my twins, the ones we weren’t planning and didn’t even know existed for that long. The Chicken was born after they were and so many said that she would fill that space up. She didn’t.
It’s okay not to know how to comprehend this all. He wants us to rely on Him, and I know that you do. He cherishes those jars of tears, every single drop, as they are drops of love that you give to Him.
Much love to you. Always.
.-= Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..Grace in Small Things-Edition One =-.
@Domestic Extraordinaire, {{hugs}} thank you so much. <3
Oh, sweetheart. Hugs, back rubs, and tea coming your way. Miss you!
.-= Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting´s last blog ..Pre-teen Chef (aka Ways to Make the House Fill with Smoke and Pride Simultaneously) =-.
@Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting, much needed! Thanks babe. <3
Whenever I pray for you I think of the testimony of Song of Solomon 8:5: Who is this coming up from the wilderness, leaning upon her beloved? Right afterward, the Shulamite makes this beautiful, radical declaration of her unquenchable love. This is how I see you in my heart. You might be walking through the wilderness, but soon you’ll walk out of a shimmer of heat, radiant in the arms of your Beloved, and declaring His goodness.
<3 you and pray for you often. Hope to hug you in the soon-time. :)
.-= Sharone´s last blog ..unpretending =-.
@Sharone, @Sharone, with no exaggeration I tell you I am bawling now. This is epic love tale beautiful. Your words combine with such perfection my prayer time this morning – just God and I in bed and being together, peace and relaxation and my surrender. My arms shake as I give it all over to Him, barely able to make myself move. His response is a hold, an embrace that puts me at such rest I don’t know if I’m awake or asleep but yet I’m still totally aware. Baby kicks and rolls and I remember His promise.
Thank you {{so much}}, sister. I needed your confirmation words today. <3
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