There was this one time I started a crafty indie product feature style life inspiration site - right before Thanksgiving.
And the healing in making things for that site, in researching and living in that site?
Made me soar.
I’ve neglected my writing here because, well.
I am avoiding you.
Approaching the holidays was interesting for me…I had the love and infatuation of a new business, one that is my dream and passion, but I also had the constant nagging impending doom that Mabel wasn’t here for Thanksgiving (and suddenly, neither was my grandmother) and Mabel wouldn’t be here for Christmas.
In fact, she’d never be with us on any holiday ever.
Visions of last year’s holiday time, me pregnant and sick and all of us talking about how “next year” there’d be four little ones, next year we’d have a baby at Christmas. Next year we’d be even crazier and wouldn’t it be amazing.
I’ve been avoiding this space because I didn’t want to write about it. Not yet anyway.
How do I really explain it all? How do I convey the exact emotions going on? As a writer I know myself enough to know that I cannot just kindof sortof write the feelings.
I must be spot on.
So I tell you this.
She was so missed it ached. Physically my heart hurts still. A lot.
Even now writing about all this I feel my fingers and the sinew around them and up to the space around my heart that is waiting to fill with air and breath – hurt.
It all hurts so much.
This time is also hard because it’s so close to when we lost her. Next week is the day she died, followed two days later by the day she was born. Upside down, it is.
We heal and we take steps toward life and sometimes we slow down and let them simmer a bit longer. I’ve been simmering.
I want to keep taking steps, even if sometimes the stride is shorter.
I made things all Christmas season that I would’ve made Mabel (like the dolls above, which I made for my niece – more on those soon).
It was therapeutic and awful and gorgeous and all the rest. Yes.
God heals, He is faithful to it. It’s not on our timing nor in the way we want sometimes. But it’s always there for our taking.
I keep taking – one day at a time.
Thanks for your love. <3