You Need To Know

by arianne

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As October quietly pushes its way into my heart, I wonder where 2010 has gone.

Have I told you that I have no memory of things before the end of June?  It’s true.  I don’t.

{And I can’t even remember who I’ve told…}

I’m starting to feel like the sweet elderly old woman who keeps repeating stories she’s already told to the audience gathered around her. They love her anyway, but know she isn’t all there…

{I have been wanting to write all day long, but feel nothing but moaning and complaining coming out.}

{But it has to come out.}

I haven’t told you that two weeks ago today I had the worst Mabel day I’ve had, possibly ever since the day she died, and it shook me to the core.  I haven’t told you how I was in my car and just like a soldier experiencing shell shock and traumatic flashbacks, I was mentally back in my car on that day on my way to the hospital to give birth to my angel baby.  That I had to literally close my eyes to try to return to the here and now.  I haven’t told you that my husband had to talk me down and literally remind me what day it was. And that it was all over…

I haven’t told you that my youngest is having such a consistent regression that we’re starting to figure out that we need to settle into who he is NOW. Not who he used to be, longing for that boy that was doing so well, frustrated with this boy here with us now. I haven’t told you how I constantly ask where my boy went, and when he’ll be coming back.  I haven’t told you how hard it is to love where your kids are at, instead of where you wish they’d be…

I haven’t told you that we’re having such a struggle with the school my boys are attending, or that they don’t really belong there, and I can see that now, but I can’t do anything about it without breaking two very fragile hearts.  I haven’t told you how I miss homeschooling but am also scared of it, because the one year we did it was when I was a zombie grieving mama…

I have told you how I’m in this suspended place, but I haven’t told you how that makes me have low days that try and suck me under for good.  I haven’t told you how one tantrum, one big mess, one dinner eaten by the dog will make me cry and lose it for the rest of the day…

I haven’t told you how I have these amazing God-breathed ideas brewing, how I have such beauty and sparkle to share with you that I ache I don’t have the time to do so, or how very very much I have in the idea part of my thinker, just waiting to be set free…

I haven’t told you many things, and I’ve told you many more. You should know that most days I don’t have it together, and most days I’m a ridiculous hot mess who is either messily cleaning up her heart or messily bleeding her heart out all over the place.

I just wanted you to know.

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