I see it from across the room. The laptop. Sitting where it’s been sitting for days.
I don’t long for it, instead I long for the people inside. The loved ones who I only talk to or “see” through its glass screen.
I miss you all.
I read Kristen’s post today about being two months past her Africa trip, how some might be thinking she should be “over” it, but she’s not. And won’t ever be. She is changed and different and it’s all in that good kinda way where you know God has these incredible plans for you.
I so relate.
It’s been over 3 months since I lost Mabel. Her due date is soon enough that I think about it every day now…imagining what we’d “really” be doing right now. How totally different life would be. But
as much as I want Mabel to be here in my belly still, and God how I do, I don’t want to go back to the “me” I was before. To the heart condition I was in, before.
I feel this beachy air coming in on the wings of the breeze rushing through the door and I practically hear God whisper in a Holy Hush
“…I have plans for you. Let go. Just keep letting go…”
So I let go. I simplify. I go back to the roots of who God created me to be. Preparing food for my family. Keeping the home. Pausing to notice them, the wee ones. Watching them grow right before my eyes, and answering questions about the Holy Spirit on a daily basis.
They are searching, these young hearts, and I don’t want to miss it. I don’t want to get in their way by being less than. I want to facilitate every single moment they reach out to their Creator and connect and know Him more. It moves me and excites me and I am humbled.
Interests I had before, are gone or changed. Habits I had before are entirely new. This loss, this process of grief, the way I’ve handled it, the way God’s shaped me through it and with it. Well…
I used to think I was wrecked by tragedy, but the good kind, where you grasp at straws trying to describe how you are a mess now, even if it’s a good mess.
But I know now that really, I used to be wrecked and now I’m fixed.
Some say that Jesus came and turned the world upside down.
The Truth is that the world was upside down, it had fallen far and hard, and He came to turn it right side up.
We’re all reeling, scrambling, searching to find our upright-ed-ness. We don’t feel good or right until we find it. Until we find Him.
And it’s uncomfortable. It feels odd and out of sorts because it’s so new and different. But our hearts know it’s so, so right.
I had grown, all my life, into someone wrecked. I was wrecked by sin, deformed in the soul, like all of us. Even being a believer all my life. It wasn’t enough. It was shallow. I didn’t know it.
God broke that wrecked heart. Shattered the adhesions that held it together wrong. Cleaned it out. Then, He began to fix me.
All I had to do was let Him.