I woke up this morning with a feeling of dread, ominous and impending. It was the worst feeling of my entire life.
Worse than even before He healed me. Worse than those seven evil ones inside me.
I knew something was coming. My life was about to drastically change. Be torn apart. I wept with the knowing.
I knew it would not be the last time I’d weep today.
Even now, I see it with my own eyes, yet I cannot believe it. How could He let them do this? Why doesn’t He stop them?
The hammer clanks nail, Man cries out and I weep louder. I feel as if my own feet are being nailed, my own hands torn through flesh, nailed to tree. Each time giant arm swings down again, I feel it again. I hear their sneering laughs, I can feel the evil in this circle of people, in this crowd.
One man’s eyes hold hate. The other Man’s eyes hold love. So much love.
The whip cracks, I hear flesh torn, I choke down screams as best I can.
Lord, please make this stop! Make them stop!
I feel sick as I look upon His face and barely recognize Him. So much blood, He chokes and spits and I am terrified. I want to look away but — He stays and endures, my eyes will stay too.
He rescued me from depths of darkness, changed me, gave me New Life, and when I was baptized I knew it was the beginning of my servanthood to Him and Him alone.
As I travel with Him and the men, and watch miracle after miracle, I listen and I learn and I serve and…now I watch as all of that is slaughtered and
He can barely breathe, I can barely breathe. I hear His breath on my face, feel it across my soul. He whispers, forgive them for they know not what they do.
I wait in agony, counting the breaths, wondering which will be His last.
He cries out “Eloi Eloi…” and I can feel it – this is it. He is about to leave us. Leave me. No, God! Please No!
With an echoing guttural scream that sounds like a triumphant battle cry, Jesus breathes His last and I wail and wail until I have no tears. With shaking hands I touch perfect feet, blood drips down like a slowing river, it speckles my face and hands. I weep, as Loss overtakes me.
It’s the day after Sabbath now and I finally am ready to visit His resting place. I have my best oils and spices, I need to anoint His body. I need to be near Him, even though He’s gone. I pray the centurions don’t harass, and I make my way.
I arrive and am startled. Where are the guards? Why is the tomb open? I panic, wondering why these people would come to steal His body — haven’t they had their fill of His peril? Why must they do this even now? I weep as I realize
He is not here.
The next moments are blurry, and I find myself alone and weeping more, missing Him. I peer into His tomb just to wrap my mind around what has happened, and notice two men. Magnificent ethereal men unlike I’ve ever seen before.
They ask why I cry and I almost scream don’t you know what has happened??? They stand where His head and feet used to lay. Of course they know what happened.
I sense something behind me, I swirl around quickly and see another man standing there. He looks familiar, but I’m too distraught to notice. He asks me the same question
Why are you weeping? Whom do you seek?
Wondering if this man knows anything about the thieves, I ask him to tell me where they put His body.
Suddenly time seems to stop — I feel my breath and the whole earth’s breath, inhale, as I hear my name
I know now, I know this is not just any man, but this is Him! He is standing here before me and I can hardly believe it or bear it or take it all in. I yell
The joy I feel is enough to make me explode, He is ALIVE! Here he stands before me, looking more perfect than ever. He is not dead.
All I want to do is fall and kiss His feet, My Healer, Peace Maker, Provider, Teacher, Redeeming Lord!
He says go and tell the brothers I’ve seen Him. I hate to leave, but I obey. I take two steps, stopping to look back and He is already gone. This time, I don’t weep.
I run, swift, fast, excited. I tell the men and they don’t believe me at first, but I know they will soon see Him for themselves and be changed.
I realize that when He healed me, He always knew this would happen. As I followed Him, He planned all of this. As I served Him, He knew His plan was to redeem me not just from those seven demons, but from everything. ALL OF IT. From eternal life separated from Him.
My redemption began when I met Him, my salvation began at the cross. My life begins now.
I am Mary Magdalene.
Inspired by A Sermon From the Mount