The days, while full of beauty, are also full of hard edges and anxiety. I feel so very “less than” right now, not enough time or energy or whatever, to help these kids get off their slippery slope.
I expected regression, kids on the autism spectrum almost always go through it when there’s change.
And oh has there been change.
Every day we remind ourselves to not view things as disobedience or “bad” behavior, when they’re clearly an issue of stimming, lack of processing and not clicking in to their surroundings. Some things they can’t help. Right now, that’s most things, and it leaves me feeling powerless.
I pray and beg. BEG. Asking God to take all this off my shoulders. I know intimately that it’s His alone to control and fix and smooth out…yet I am bearing heavily the guilt of that “less than” feeling. I am tempted to just get by, to do the least, just so I can get a breath.
But I read about entering in, and I’m reminded that if I actually get off this “just enough” path, maybe that is when I’ll find true relief. Maybe then the path will stretch out, straight and simple and just be there for me to quietly toil upon as I work for them. My family, my life, His Kingdom.
I want abundance, not just survival. I will stop stopping, before He gets me to that path.
I will stop stopping. And go.