He tells no tales

by arianne

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**Right after this, he miraculously fell asleep. I will someday use the magic ear buds again, but for now I give thanks**

Tonight I opened up this picture (taken on my phone) and just stared.  I put on songs from the movie Once, and let the emotion and energy that comes from music and baby drama wash over me.

I have so much to tell him, so much I wish he could understand.

Things with him have not been easy.  We know he’s on the autism spectrum, so this should not be news.  Yet, it is.  We want him to be doing better.  Feeling better.  Living better.

As I stared at this photo, and really studied it, I thought about the complicated world going on inside his head.  The one we can’t access.  He can’t express things, and he gets so frustrated.  So very upset.  All.Day.Long.

He doesn’t sleep, doesn’t talk, doesn’t eat anything remotely solid, and he’s so wanting to love us, to love life.  But his brain and body are getting in the way.

They just won’t stop getting in the way.

We are in a place where, despite having two older children on the spectrum, we are at a loss with what to do with this boy #3.  He’s so much the same as his brothers, but so very different at the same time.  Nothing we’ve ever done with the other boys helps him, or works with him.

We feel inadequate.  Helpless.

We hang in there, don’t give up, and continue to endlessly research.  What are we missing, we ask each other.

There must be something.

But then the fear creeps in…what if we aren’t missing something, and this is just…what is.

I try not to think about those things, because as hard and–actually no wait IMPOSSIBLE–as things have been, yesterday he said “mama” to me for the first time since he regressed and lost his language 6 months ago.  A huge milestone, and even though he hasn’t said it since, it made me feel amazing.

And gives me the hope to keep going, to step one foot in front of the other.

The hope for those searing blue eyes in that photo, that have so many stories to tell.  And one day, yes, he will tell them.  Oh yes.

He will.

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