He tells no tales

by arianne

Post image for He tells no tales

**Right after this, he miraculously fell asleep. I will someday use the magic ear buds again, but for now I give thanks**

Tonight I opened up this picture (taken on my phone) and just stared.  I put on songs from the movie Once, and let the emotion and energy that comes from music and baby drama wash over me.

I have so much to tell him, so much I wish he could understand.

Things with him have not been easy.  We know he’s on the autism spectrum, so this should not be news.  Yet, it is.  We want him to be doing better.  Feeling better.  Living better.

As I stared at this photo, and really studied it, I thought about the complicated world going on inside his head.  The one we can’t access.  He can’t express things, and he gets so frustrated.  So very upset.  All.Day.Long.

He doesn’t sleep, doesn’t talk, doesn’t eat anything remotely solid, and he’s so wanting to love us, to love life.  But his brain and body are getting in the way.

They just won’t stop getting in the way.

We are in a place where, despite having two older children on the spectrum, we are at a loss with what to do with this boy #3.  He’s so much the same as his brothers, but so very different at the same time.  Nothing we’ve ever done with the other boys helps him, or works with him.

We feel inadequate.  Helpless.

We hang in there, don’t give up, and continue to endlessly research.  What are we missing, we ask each other.

There must be something.

But then the fear creeps in…what if we aren’t missing something, and this is just…what is.

I try not to think about those things, because as hard and–actually no wait IMPOSSIBLE–as things have been, yesterday he said “mama” to me for the first time since he regressed and lost his language 6 months ago.  A huge milestone, and even though he hasn’t said it since, it made me feel amazing.

And gives me the hope to keep going, to step one foot in front of the other.

The hope for those searing blue eyes in that photo, that have so many stories to tell.  And one day, yes, he will tell them.  Oh yes.

He will.

{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

mommy instincts November 13, 2008 at 6:50 am

what a touching post, such insight into your lives.

wish there was more i could say or do.

love you.

jen

mommy instincts’s last blog post..Kinda Sorta Wordless Wednesday ~ Quick Fun with Photoshop!

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Lisa November 13, 2008 at 6:59 am

WOW. Your post spoke from the soul straight to my heart. I am actually in tears imagining what it was like foryou to hear “Mama” from you son. Hang in there.

Lisa’s last blog post..I Need….

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katie ~ motherbumper November 13, 2008 at 1:41 pm

What a moving post, absolutely touching.

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laura November 13, 2008 at 1:44 pm

you continue to amaze & inspire me.

laura’s last blog post..Boon Layette: Boon Does It Right…Again.

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Elaine November 13, 2008 at 3:42 pm

Wow. Just wow. You are an amazing mother and this post is beautiful.

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Tara @ Deal Seeking Mom November 13, 2008 at 6:29 pm

That must have been absolutely amazing to her him utter such a beautiful word after such a long quiet period. You’re an amazing mom, Ari, and I’m sure it has not been easy in the least. But I have full confidence that you are doing everything within your reach for your children. I totally cannot wait to meet you in person so I can give you a big hug!

Tara @ Deal Seeking Mom’s last blog post..CVS Scenarios Week of 11/9/08

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Adventures In Babywearing November 13, 2008 at 9:08 pm

I am watching and waiting with you. There is so much hope to hold on to- so much to look forward to.

Steph

Adventures In Babywearing’s last blog post..This Will Give You A Toothache

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flipflopmamma November 14, 2008 at 1:56 pm

This post made me cry. I don’t really know what you’re going through, but as a mom I know that we all want the best for our children, and I know a breaking heart when we feel so helpless. Praying for you and your sweet boy who looks like mine :)

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Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting November 16, 2008 at 10:02 pm

Honey, I’m so sorry :( This, too, made me cry. He’s so beautiful. I know how you expect things that worked with one or two children to work with your others, but it doesn’t. We’re learning that one the hard way too. I wish there was something I could do to help. Just know that I am here to offer my ear, my shoulder, and perhaps an extra pair of hands and eyes if you need researching or anything done. *hugs*

~Lisa

Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting’s last blog post..Motrin’s New Ad = Wrong Message, Wrong Time, Wrong All Around

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melody is slurping life November 17, 2008 at 8:03 pm

Here’s my {hug}.

melody is slurping life’s last blog post..Rain Falls in Rhythm

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Gina LaGuardia November 18, 2008 at 8:27 pm

Such a touching post. You epitomize strength, love, and “Mama” magnificence. I’ll keep you, your beautiful angel, and your family in my prayers. Hugs.

Gina LaGuardia’s last blog post..“I Tweet, Therefore I Make a Difference…”

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H.E.Eigler November 18, 2008 at 8:29 pm

Even though he can’t communicate – you’ve just sent a message to all of us. A message of love and understanding and hope. (((hugs)))

H.E.Eigler’s last blog post..You’ve just got to hear this

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Tara @ Feels like home November 18, 2008 at 8:30 pm

I clicked on this post because the picture of your son caught my eye. I thought, “What a beautiful little face!” and then I read the post and cried. And cried and cried. I can’t imagine the hardships you face every single day.

Hugs to you. I hope you get to hear “Mama” again and again in the coming days.

Tara @ Feels like home’s last blog post..Homemade Orange Cranberry Sauce

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Kimberly Williamson December 3, 2008 at 7:04 pm

I just stubbled upon your blog. I wanted to tell you that I find your ability to be real, vulnerable and humble to be very inspiring! Thank you for touching my heart. You and your family will be in my prayers!
Blessings,
Kim

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