Used To Be

by arianne

I’ve been neglecting this blog this month, but as I see the start of school looming around the corner, I feel the tiny twinge of a new season coming upon us.  The weather may not change, but it will be a new season for our family.  Two boys in school, newness all around.  Every reason to be happy and excited and fulfilled.

So that is what I keep telling myself.  Hoping at some point that it will stick.  That the awfulness of this summer will stay in the past, be swept under thr rug, be a bad memory.  How many times can I blog that I’m a shadow person right now?  Writing here is always a reflection of me.  Of where I’m at, for better or worse.  But the last thing people really want to read about for very long is how “off” someone is feeling.

I used to be really good at handling stress.  Used to be.  I see that phrase and I long for that person.  The strong person that didn’t let a super hard day where autism kicked her behind ten ways to Texas set her back for a week.  Where financial stress was always “God has a plan, we’ll be fine”, instead of the daily dread I wake up to now.  Where family stress didn’t phase her for a second, and feeling distant from friends was non-existent.  Where new opportunities were exciting and the ideas were free flowing and nothing could stop her.  That person seemed to have the confidence to live life to its fullest.  Why is that person so hard to find right now?

I realize that in some ways, I will never be going “back” to that person.  I need to create a new person.  So I sit here and try to figure out what I want the new me, that includes all those other things, with the scars of the present, to look like.  To live like.

I know that around that corner, where school and the fall and new friends and opportunities lie, my same old happy go lucky soul is waiting for me to find it and scoop it up again.  Placing it back in it’s rightful place inside my heart.  I just need to get there.

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