This morning I woke up with a start. My heart racing, I immediately tried to get BACK to sleep to finish the dream I had been having. To try to give it a happy ending. I got halfway there, giving myself a little relief, but then got out of bed to calm down, to stop shaking, and to go hug my family.
The dream that I had was that the world, literally, was closing in on me. I was in some sort of building, and the walls were leaning inward, and out the window I could see only dirt. The Earth was swallowing us up. Windows were cracking, and we were all (my husband, children, and random other people I didn’t know) running around this building trying to figure out how to save ourselves. Have you ever literally ran for your life?
I had the feeling that I had been holding up the walls, but it was too much for me to do alone. And no one would help me. I remember feeling abandoned. Finally, I abandoned the wall, and was running around trying to find my children. Hysterically I called their names, seeing them way up ahead and unable to reach them. That part was the worst.
At some point I had the sense that they were lost, and I needed to just hope someone had grabbed them and go for cover. There was an ambulance in the building (this part is really random, so just go with it), and a bunch of us decided that it was made of steel and was our best chance of survival. I jumped into the ambulance with no where else to go. Inside the ambulance I found two of my three boys, huddled and sobbing. I ran to them.
And this is the part where I woke up for just a moment. Unable to breathe. Feeling the weight of the whole world literally on my chest. This is also when I tried to go back to sleep to give the dream a “happy” ending, and after I slightly drifted off, my husband came running into the ambulance with our baby in arms as another man slammed the ambulance door and sealed it shut. We heard loud noises of metal and concrete crushing and bending, everyone was screaming.
And then I really woke up.
As I told my husband about this dream, we shrugged our shoulders and agreed that it doesn’t take a lot of dream analysis to figure this one out. We DO feel like the world is crashing in on us lately. We DO feel abandoned. We DO feel powerless.
Most of the time when I have these crazy vivid dreams, I try to figure out the lesson. I feel like my dreams have meaning, and it might not always be possible to figure out that meaning, but I like to try.
This dream seemed more of a way to visualize how my heart feels, than a lesson in how to handle it. I know the ways I can handle it, but I don’t feel strong enough to do it. Everything is in chaos.
I know that we will get through this, and maybe that was the lesson. That even though things could not seem more dire, there is always a respite. Always a place to go for safety. A place to weather the storm.
If you need me, that’s where I’ll be.