Drifting

by arianne

“Falling asleep at the wheel again baby
You’re drifting over the line (the line) yeah
Your hands are tight but you’re losing grip quickly
Fix me, can you read the signs? “

Lyrics from “Pretty Vegas”, INXS

I’m sitting here, another day of feeling like shit and wondering if I’m crazy or if there is something physically wrong with me. I read this post from a fish and realized “Wow. I think she read my mind and described my every thought.”.

I definitely have some physical things going on, but why should I be SO. TIRED? Getting up with a baby every night doesn’t explain this decent into sloth town. Its not normal to be thinking about going back to bed as soon as you get up in the morning. All morning long I time my day so that I can go back to bed when the baby naps. Get a sitter over here so I can nap. Make sure hubby gets home in time to get the kids in bed so i can snooze on the couch. Can’t someone come over and do things for me so I can SLEEP??

As if its not bad enough wanting to sleep all the time, its not like I’m laying there all perky and joyful saying “Its a lovely day, I want to go out and do things, let me sleep a little first”. No. I’m sleepy, lying around and pretty damn depressed that I’m sleepy and lying around. As I lay there, praying to fall asleep, I think about things. Not happy things. Things like, why is everything in my life so overwhelming? Why can’t it all stop? Please make it stop.

I am wondering if I subconsciously think if I lay in bed long enough, literally unable to move I am so exhausted, all the bad stuff in my life will just go away. Obviously my logical brain says “Hello! Every minute you lay there things on the outside world are just getting worse for you! Stop bitching and deal with it!”. The most mystifying thing of all is, I don’t care. I have no desire to “feel better”. I’m sad that I feel bad, but I don’t feel like doing anything about it. Its the worst of the most pathetic.

Throw in the fact that my husband is having to jump through all kinds of hoops while I’m laid up, and my family who were formally very helpful, now avoid me like the plague (stopped calling, don’t come over, never even email me) and you have one fun party.

Now, all that being said. The way I’m feeling physically is very scary. What if its more than being depressed? Can being depressed cause such a severe physical reaction? I can barely move. I am achy, and I don’t have the flu. My main symptom is that darn exhaustion, so now I’m starting to convince myself I have something more serious. The poster child for exhaustion is, after all, cancer. I’ve had different symptoms, the details of which I will spare you, that could possibly be attributed to some serious thing going on, but those things can also be attributed to a million other things. Also, is it possible to suddenly get post-pardum depression ONE YEAR after the birth of the baby? Its a stretch, right?

Gah. I am loathe to even blog about this. I know reading this is such a barrel of laughs and all, so I’m conscious of my pathetic-ness wearing out its welcome. Hang in there, the story is developing…*

*Please, no one give me the ever lovely “please get help” line. I KNOW. I’ve heard it. Remember reading above that I don’t feel like doing anything about it? Yeah. So why even talk about it? Good question. I’m sure I want to get better, but I don’t want to tell anyone in the Real World what is going on. They will make me do things. Like go outside and eat more healthy foods. I’m depressed and can’t even sit up, much less get dressed or cook dinner.

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