Coming Up For Air

by arianne

Phew. I finally have few minutes, and a few ounces of energy, to write a little. The last week has been a whirlwind of people and emotions. I’ve been thinking all week about things I want/need to blog about…but either haven’t had a second to spare, or when I did have a second did not have the energy to do so. This excuse/reason also applies to showering. And brushing my teeth.

I wanted so badly for my first post-pregnancy post (hee!) to be about my beautiful new baby. I have lots to write about, and I know there will be endless material in the days-months-years to come, but I want to be gushing and going on and on about Jamie right now. I want to talk about how he sleeps and eats all day and stays happy. I want to talk about how he’s so adorable and looks so much like his older brother. I want to talk about my wonderful, awesome, fabulous birth story (no…it REALLY was!). I want to talk about what a super-dad the hubs is being and how profoundly grateful I am for him. However…

There are other things that are taking up more brain space right now. I’ve been in a “Funk” since the day after Jamie was born, and I am wondering how long its going to last. I remember feeling this way with Charlie, but I don’t know when it was the fog lifted. It seems worse this time, but maybe I’m just not remembering right.

We’ve heard a million things in the media about post-partum depression, how its so common. I’ve seen a lot of blogging mom’s I read regularly going through some kind of emotional struggle or another after they have their baby. I remember thinking in the weeks before Jamie came, that I wanted to do “whatever I could” to prevent that from happening to me. How exactly would I do that?! Now I realize that’s pretty silly. Its not like I’m CHOOSING to feel this way, and if I’d just choose NOT to feel this way, all would be ok. What I’m wondering is…how do you know when its more than just the “baby blues” and actually something more serious?

I know its not even been a week since Jamie was born, and maybe I should just be giving it “more time”, but I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling totally overwhelmed by each and every little decision of the day (what should I eat for lunch today?). I hate not feeling like getting out of bed. I hate feeling sad that I don’t have very much “me and Charlie” time any more. I hate feeling sad that its not just the three of us any more. I hate feeling like I miss being pregnant (how silly! a week ago I was begging God to make the baby come!) I hate feeling like I should be working on my business, but I can’t even begin to think complicated business thoughts right now. I hate being stressed about money. I hate being able to cry at the drop of a hat. I hate that my life feels totally topsy-turvey and I have no energy and no CLUE how to get it back in working order.

Millions of mom’s do this every day-the whole more than one child thing. Why am I having such a hard time doing it? Especially when the hubs is doing 99.9% of the work with the 2-year old? And the baby is a total piece of cake to care for? Jamie doesn’t wake when a 2-year old is having a tantrum 2 feet away! He doesn’t wake when you crack your ankle while walking on the other side of the room! He doesn’t wake when you simply THINK about moving your left big toe b/c you’ve been sitting in the same position for hours! He only cries when he’s hungry, needs to burp or has a dirty diaper! When you remedy these things he stops crying! He doesn’t cry all day and all night for some secret reason only he knows! And feels compelled to not share with you! (just take a guess why these things are all REALLY cool and TOTALLY new to me.) We haven’t even needed our swing! Not once!

So, don’t ask me why life seems so incredibly difficult right now because, I can’t give you a reason. It just. Is.

So here’s the other thing…I don’t want people worrying about me or feeling bad for me or anything like that. Since I desperately don’t want them doing this, it makes me not want to talk about my Funk. I know this is probably not the best idea. Withdrawing when you feel depressed can’t be a good thing, right?

The other, other thing is that I can be a really emotional person sometimes anyway (read: Drama Queen) and I’m also wondering if I’m just being a Drama Queen this time too. Am I just creating this whole depressed thing in my head? I mean, yeah I’m dead tired (the Angel does sleep a lot, but he also nurses every hour on the dot) and yeah, I’m still pretty sore. But those things should be far out-weighed by all the fabulousness that is Jamie.

He is SO WONDERFUL.

I am trying very hard not to feel guilty about the Funk, because…how much more ungrateful could a person be?? There are so many women out there who can’t even have children, and here I am-Funk.

Ugh.

All I can say is that the Funk is a completely separate thing from the Total and Utter Elation and Joy I feel for this new baby and the new family of 4 we have now. Its incredible how a person can feel these two things simultaneously, isn’t it?

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